


And All That Could Have Been

by PipeDreams



Series: NIN Verse [2]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-01
Updated: 2010-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-13 11:34:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/136903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PipeDreams/pseuds/PipeDreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He closed his eyes and breathed in slowly. He can do this. He can. Opening his eyes again, he tried to smile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And All That Could Have Been

Breeze still carries the sound __  
Maybe I'll disappear  
Tracks will fade in the snow  
You won't find me here

  
  
“Hey Tommy. You joining us?”    


  
Tommy looked up at Neil who was staring at him, afraid as if Tommy might break at any moment. And perhaps Neil should be worried. Tommy didn’t know what he felt anymore. If he felt anything at all. He just felt numb most of the time. The numbness. It was better than the pain.   


  
“No you go on ahead Neil. I… need to do some stuff.” Tommy smiled, big and wide, hoping that it would convince Neil that he was alright. That it was okay for Tommy to be alone. But looking at Neil’s expression, he knew his smile couldn’t pass muster.   


  
“Tommy…” Neil said almost hesitantly. And that was telling. Neil was never hesitant. He was always direct, sometimes pushing his thoughts and views on others. But now Neil was at a loss for words because of him and Tommy didn’t like that.    


  
“You worry too much dude. I am alright. Okay? Just go with the others.”   


  
“You are not alright Tommy. Don’t lie to me.” Neil moved from the door where he was standing and sat down next to him. “I don’t have to go you know. It’s just another night of clubbing. And hot chicks throwing themselves at my gay brother.”   


  
Tommy laughed. Funny that he could still laugh when he was all dead inside.    


  
“Go.”   


  
“You sure dude?” Neil looked at him intently, placing his hand on Tommy’s shoulder, squeezing it tight.   


  
“Hey guys we are heading out. You…”   


  
Both looked up to find Adam at the threshold staring at them.   


  
“Tommy? You okay?” Adam moved quickly across the space separating them and knelt down by Tommy’s side. His hand felt warm on Tommy’s thigh.   


  
Tommy stood up then. “I am fine. I need to run some errands. I will see you guys later.”    


  
“Neil, he alright?” Adam asked worriedly.   


  
Neil sighed. “He will be.”   


  
\---   


__  
Ice is starting to form  
Ending what had begun  
I am locked in my head  
With what I've done  


__  


  
Tommy was asleep when he heard the knocks on his door. He opened his eyes and quickly shut them again as a headache threatened to split his head apart. He should have never drunk that six-pack on an empty stomach. The knocks became more insistent and he could hear someone shouting his name.   


  
He didn’t know how he made it to the door but somehow Taylor was in the room with him. The last person he expected to see. The last person he wanted to see.   


  
“Heeeey TayTay… Howwastheclubbing?” Tommy grinned almost crazily.    


  
“You are drunk.”   


  
“Well ain’t that oblivious.” Tommy snorted.   


  
“Obvious.”   


  
“Whatever.” Tommy stumbled to the bed and let himself fall face down on it.    


  
“We need to talk.”   


  
“Soooo mferois.”   


  
“What?”    


  
Tommy felt a hand turn him over and weakly tried to resist.   


  
“Tommy stop it! I need to talk to you. And you need to stop talking to your pillow.”   


  
Tommy glared at Taylor. He was allowed to do that. Here Tommy was trying to get drunk off his ass, and even that Taylor had to ruin for him. He was not feeling very congenial towards Taylor right now.   


  
“Soooo. Talk.”    


  
Taylor sighed before laying himself down right next to Tommy.    


  
“Dude ---“   


  
“Just shut up alright. I need to get this out and it’s not easy.”   


  
“Fine.”   


  
“He… he t-thinks about you.”   


  
“Who?” Tommy stopped breathing even as his heart knew the answer.   


  
“Who else Tommy? Don’t play the dumb blonde with me.”   


  
“I am not blonde naturally.”   


  
Taylor laughed. “You know what I mean jerk.”   


  
Tommy sighed.    


  
“He does you know. He doesn’t say it. But he does. I can tell.”   


  
“Taylor… stop. Just stop okay.” Tommy rolled on to his side as he felt hot tears slip down his cheeks.    


  
Tommy did not know that he was shaking till Taylor folded his arms around him. “Tommy hey. Sorry. I am sorry.”   


  
“F-for what?”   


  
“I don’t even know.”   


  
“He is happy.”   


  
“Yea?”   


  
“He is happy with you. Don’t hurt him.”   


  
“I won’t.”   


  
\---  
 _I know you tried to rescue me_ __  
Didn't let anyone get in  
Left with a trace of all that was  
And all that could have been  


__  
  
“What was that Adam?!”   


  
Adam looked at Tommy curiously, taking in his clenched fists and tight posture. “Wait are you mad? Tommy?”   


  
“You don’t do that. You don’t _get_ to do that okay.” Tommy glared at him.   


  
“Tommy. It was just fanservice.” Adam walked closer towards him, slowly. Almost as if approaching a wild animal.   


  
“No it’s not! Fanservice is a kiss, a hair tug, a back lean. It is not a kiss with tongue where you bend me over making me feel ---“ Tommy stopped abruptly, his eyes widened in shock.   


  
“Feel what Tommy?” Adam asked worriedly. He could see the wetness in Tommy’s eyes. His good friend was hurting. Why??   


  
“Nothing. Feel nothing.” Tommy said bitterly. “I need to leave. Just don’t…”    


  
“Don’t what Tommy?!” Adam’s voice was getting louder. He could feel himself getting mad. Over the past few months, his friend had pulled away from him. He did not say anything, thinking that Tommy needed time to get over his father’s death. And that Tommy would come to him when he was ready. But Tommy never did. He just pulled away further.    


  
“I need to go.” Tommy turned to leave.   


  
Adam moved and grabbed on to his arm tight. “Why? Why won’t you tell me anything anymore? I am your friend dammit.”   


  
“Exactly Adam.” Tommy looked up at him. “You are my _friend_.” He said it in a broken tone, shrugging out of Adam’s clasp making his escape quickly.   


  
Adam could only look as Tommy’s back disappeared from view. How did he not notice that Tommy was broken? Why did he not know why? His heart clenched in pain.    


  
\---   


_  
Gone.. fading..  
_  
 __  
Everything..  
And..  
All that..  
Could have been..  
All that could have been.   


__  


 

  
Tommy smiled. It was easy to smile. Easy to hide behind the wide sunglasses that he wore. No one would see the pain in his eyes.   


  
“Hey Tommy. Could you help me sign this?” A girl asked hesitantly, almost as if she were afraid that Tommy was going to say no.   


  
“Sure.” Tommy smiled again. The fans were wonderful. Always so supportive of Adam. Of him. Adam gave him this. And for that Tommy would always be grateful.    


  
“Could you give this to Adam for me? Please.”    


  
“Sure.” Tommy smiled.   


  
“Please tell him we love him. We love you both.”   


  
“Thanks guys.” Tommy smiled. And this time it didn’t feel so forced.    


  
\---   


_  
Please  
_  
 __  
Take this  
And run far away  
Far away from me  
I am  
Tainted  
The two of us  
Were never meant to be  


  
  
“Hey Tommy, wanna join us tonight?” Neil asked.   


  
“Sure just let me get ready first yea?”   


  
“Sometimes I swear you are more gay than my brother.” Neil said in a teasing tone.   


  
“Haha. I am the gayest straight guy you would ever know.”   


  
Neil looked at him quietly. Tommy looked right back.    


  
“I will wait for you outside.”   


  
Tommy nodded, only allowing himself to breathe when Neil’s footsteps had receded. He closed his eyes and breathed in slowly. He can do this. He can. Opening his eyes again, he tried to smile.   


  
__  
  
In my  
Nothing  
You were everything  
Everything to me  
  


 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by yet another NIN song ofc...


End file.
